|
|
Wednesday, August 29th, 2001
| |
9:58 pm - Possum
|
walden34: ok get this
walden34: my bad
walden34: listen up kid
aShLeY15qT: k
walden34: my bad ready now
walden34: hey im talkn to u
aShLeY15qT: yeah
aShLeY15qT: sorry, I'm finishing up my paper
walden34: allright here it goes
walden34: so me and my bud steak it out last night with a flash light on the trap
walden34: but this isnt any normal trap with the lean to style going
walden34: its just a bucket but we lined the bottom with duck tape
walden34: so when he smeel the steakumm and animal crackers at the bottom he hops in and gets his hairless ass stuck
walden34: o so i mean the nights goin pretty slow and were out there for a good half hour
walden34: when all of a sudden we see something crawing next toi the bucket
walden34: im thinkn "this bitch is gettn it hard" so we wait till hes like on the side of the bucket cause we dont want to scare his ass away
walden34: i mean this poor fucker is walkn round the edge of the bucket for like 5 minutes until finally he dives in for the steakumm
walden34: so we grab the flashlight and our baseball bats and run over to the bucket
aShLeY15qT: lol
walden34: the damn possum is lyn on its side stuck to the bottom of the bucket makn this weird ass sound
walden34: "CHHIIICHHIIICCCHHHIIII"
aShLeY15qT: LOL..good impression
walden34: me and mark are fuckn die ing so i look back at this fucker lieing in the bucket and johnson's like "its gettn loose!" (with the duck tape on its back)
walden34: so big johnson runs up behind the poor possum and fuckn smashes it on the head - i mean this kid was no joke he fuckn nailed this sucker
aShLeY15qT: awww!!! did he kill it?
walden34: then the possum keals over and im laughin my ass off
walden34: and he hobbles round for a second
aShLeY15qT: ohmygod pat! that's terrible!
walden34: then it stops movn
walden34: and im like "HHHHHahahaha you killed it kid"
walden34: "how the hell are we suppose to harnice it and take it to band"
walden34: so hes like
walden34: "how bput we harnice anyways and then take it to band and say it died when it was in your trunk"
walden34: im like "ok thats not a bad idea"
aShLeY15qT: take it and put it on snyder's podium!
walden34: was i done with the story
walden34: no
walden34: comon your better than that
walden34: ok back to the story
walden34: so i run inside and get my premade harnice and snatch up the possum
walden34: i mean this sucker was huge he barely fit in my harnice
walden34: so i harnice his one arm
walden34: then when im harnicing the second i hear this weird noise
walden34: im like "Johnson - did u hear that?"
and hes lik
walden34: "hear what"
walden34: im like "nevemind"
walden34: then all of a sudden the fuckn possum starts peein on me
walden34: and im like "HOLY SHIT"
aShLeY15qT: LOL!!
walden34: and i throw it on the ground and johnsons fuckn shittn his pants laughn
walden34: he falls over and starts rolln around on the ground next to the possum "BBBBBAHAHAHAHAHAH"
walden34: i mean this kid was uncontrollable
walden34: then i see the possum try to get up and move
walden34: i mean this fucker is hobbln round like its drunk
walden34: meanwhile johnsons stiull fuckn shittn his pants laughn
walden34: this sucker is all harniced up and wobbln over towards johnson nd im like "o shit man its going for ya johnson"
aShLeY15qT: was he still laying on the ground?
walden34: yea
walden34: this kid was out of it so bad he looks over and its like and inch from his pants and he tries to role over but in bit is fuckn pants
walden34: and its like hangn on his pants
walden34: and he hops up and starts going fuckn crazy tryn to shake this sucker off
aShLeY15qT: LOL!
walden34: and now i fuckn start shittn my pants laughing
walden34: and i cant controll it
walden34: and johnsons like
walden34: "GET THIS FUCKN THING OFF OF ME!!!!"
walden34: and im laughin so hard i dont know how i got up
walden34: but i grabbed the leash
walden34: and started tuggn at it as hard as i could
walden34: finally i pulled this sucker free from johnsons pants but now i have this sucker dangling in the air hissing and shit
walden34: and hes tryn to claw me and bite my ass and shit
walden34: and im like " i aint shown you any slack now you little bitch cause your smelly ass pissed all over my shirt"
walden34: so just as hes bout to grab my pants i start spinning him around (ya know like that olympic sport slegdehammer)
walden34: i mean thislittle bitch is a good 25 pounds
walden34: he must have been the monster of the pack
walden34: so i get this sucker going to a good pace and
walden34: then i just let the fucker fly
walden34: and hes soarn through the air and i can hear his ass hissing and shit
walden34: and im thinkn ya hell land but his ass is gonna away and we got no proff of the possum catch
walden34: then all of a sudden i hear this thud
walden34: im like o shit he hit something
walden34: i mean its dark as fuck out there we cant see into the woods
walden34: so after we calm down a little and johnson realizes that his pants are ripped pretty bad
walden34: we go out further with the flashlight and start lookn for the fucker
walden34: we didnt see anything for a while untill we came this huge ass tree
walden34: and that porr fucker was sittn on the ground shakn like a animal thats dead as has those twitches when hes dead - fuck you know what im talkn bout
aShLeY15qT: yeah
walden34: well i guess is was doind that cause it actually was dead
walden34: when i threw it it hit its head on the tree
walden34: so now i have this dead possum in my back yard with a hranice all up on it
walden34: thats it
walden34: so r u gonna say anything
aShLeY15qT: sorry
aShLeY15qT: All I have to say is..only you...
walden34: hey big johnsonhelped
walden34: yeah that never happened
walden34: i just thought it was a good story
|
|
(16 comments | comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, August 21st, 2001
| |
1:46 am - Fuck Im Back
|
Sorry bout the leave of absence - but i was gone for the summer - but look out folks im back, johnsons still keepn them comming, aarons still balln, and me and the fahlbush are back on good terms
Let the good times role
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, May 30th, 2001
| |
11:35 pm - Big Beaver Steakhouse
|
One time me, aaron and fahlbush were sitting in Carras and we had to do this project where you make your own company and make a commercial and shit and then present it in front of the class. Well anyways when it comes to projects like this, Fahlbush just gets pure dirty. I mean no one believes it, but the kid is like the dirtiest kid alive. So were thinkn of ideas for the project and all of a sudden fahlbush is like "Big Beaver Colgne. For those who want to smell like a beaver"
Im like "Their aint no way we can get away with that-its too pornographic, but i did like the idea of something involving Big Beaver." So eventually we came up with the idea of the Big Beaver Steakhouse. Now this is where fahlbush got really dirty. We had to have company slogans and a logo for the project, so our two slogans ended up being "Come inside the Big Beaver for the best steak in the country." and "If you like to eat out, join us at the Big Beaver." while our logo was this beaver eating a T-Bone. So anyways bout a week later we had to present this in front of the class.
While were presenting it, only like 4 kids in the whole class actually know what were talking bout and theyre fucking shitting their pants, while the rest of the class has no clue what the hell is going on. This one kid named Mari was loving this shit up and kept on asking these questions like "Can i order beaver and have it come to my house?" and we were like "Yeah its called the Big Beaver express" Then Mari was like "We should join companies and have one steakhouse." (cause Mari's group did their project on a steakhouse called the Wing-dinger and he kept on going on bout the special sauce and liking it off).
So anyways after we present this project we thought it went pretty good. So bout 2 weeks later when Carras's is handing out the grades, hes like "I need to see the members of the Big Beaver Steakhouse out in the hall." So me aaron and fahlbush go out in the hall and hes like "I didnt notice anything at first then my wife saw your guys presentation and i was like wow how did i let you guys get away with this."
By this point im trying not to laugh so hard, and aaron gets all serious and is like, "What are you talking bout." Then Carras is like "Comon guys-the Big Beaver Steakhouse did you think i wouldnt notice? Beaver has been around since for like 40 years." By this point im covering my face trying not to laugh. Then aaron's like "Well we didnt really mean for it to be like that- I mean sure, after we did it we were like wow this might be a little pornographic, but we didnt think it was that bad."
Then Carras was like "Well i told the principal and he said he wanted to have a chat with you guys, but i told id talk to you guys and if you didnt mean anything by it i wouldnt do anything. He said he wanted to call your parents, but i dont think that will be necessary. I mean comon guys what were you guys thinkn? The Big Beaver Steakhouse-thats almost as bad as this one group i had a couple years back that named thier company dildo"
By this point i could tell Carras didnt really give a shit so im laughing my ass off. Then Carras was like "I think im just gonna lower your guys grade a little, but i mean comon guys-The Big Beaver Steakhouse. And what bout those slgans? Come inside the Big Beaver-If you like to eat out, join us at the Big Beaver. What were you guys thinkn" Carras must have said that 20 god damn times.
So anyways all that happened was we got a 87 instead of a 100, but we can tell everyone that we made a steakhouse called The Big Beaver.
|
|
(17 comments | comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, May 29th, 2001
| |
9:10 pm - The Witchcraft of Gano
|
One time me, linville, johnson, and fahlbush were pretty bored so we decided to drive round in johnson's Maxima. We bout to go home when we pass by this little place called GANO. For those of you who dont know, Gano is this freaky little town thats like up on a hill and its fucking creepy as hell. Supposively the people of Gano worship the devil and practice witchcraft and they have like they own little church and shit, well anyway that place is fuckign freaky.
So we pass by Gano and Fahlbush is like "Dude we should go in Gano. My brother tells me bout that place and he said its fucking creepy." This was really surprisingly, because fahlbush lives far away and i didnt know that Gano was so well known across the county. Anyways big johnson's like "huh huh huh... OK... huh huh huh" So he turns round and starts to go in Gano.
Its bout 930-1000, mean this place is fucking creepy as hell. I mean even the sign that says you are entering GANO is fucking creepy as hell. i dont know what we were thinking going in that place past daylight. I mean since were in that place we might as well go buck as hell and do all this shit.
So with big johnson driving, u know the kid will get crazy. So every time we pass a house, and they all are creepy as fuck, big johnson will lay on the horn for bout 10 minutes till we cant see the house anymore. We get to the top of the hill and since there is only one way in and out of Gano, johnson works some fancy car work and we start going down. As were going down we come across this little fence with like punkins on it and this trail leading like 220 yards away from the fence. I mean this is your fucking definiton of crazy freaky shit. I mean this shit was so scary, thta linville wouldnt even go down the trail, but for some strange reason johnson had a camera in the back of his car, so we got a pic of linville in front of the death trail fence.
Round that time, we were bout to call it quits so we started to drive out. That night i had noticed that Gano had been a little inactive with people-even for Gano- and i was wondering where everbody was. Moments later my question was answered.
As were driving down the hill, we start seeing this orange glow off in the distance. Im thinkn "what the hell is this bout" We pull up closer to this thing and we realize that it is like this 30 foot bonfire. Im like "Woah this is creepy shit-this must be like a devil worshiping event or something. So im like, "we gotta get this shit on camera", but everybody was too afraid to out the car. Finally me and linville get out of the car with the camera and walk over to the fire area. Johnson wanted us to go up to one of these guys stanidng at the fire and just stand next to him.. Then he wanted us to be like "whats up man" and then take a pic and run the hell out of there.
So me and linville are nearing the fire when all of a sudden a swarm of little kids starts like surrounding us. Linville was like "uh o .... Gano kids!" So we try to find out what the hell is going on with this fire so linvile's like "hey.. whats this fire about?" The little kids are like "Its a furniture fire" Then im like "Wow linville this is creepy."
Then one of the little kids is like "why is it creepy?" I didnt know how to respond to that, then all of a sudden all these kids are like "Why is it creepy? why is it creepy? why is it creepy?!!" By now i can tell were attracting attention from the adults, and i feel like im in children of the corn with all these little Gano kids running round me. All of a sudden i hear a horn off in the disatnce. Big Johnsons sitting in the maxima with the horn layed down and me and linville look at each other and start running like crazy.
I look back and all these Gano kids are chasing us. We get closer to the car and johnson is still laying on the horn and me and linville are sprinting for our lives. We get to the car and were like "Get the fuck out of here!!!" So johnson takes off in the maxima and speeds out of Gano.
Then fahlbush is like "Did you get the picture?" Im like "we didnt get a close up but we did get a pic of the furniture fire" So later that night we decided to go to Burger King. We get out of the car to walk in and right as were bout to go inside, these little kids come running out and almost fucking run in to me. Then im like "they must be Gano kids" Well apparently the mom heard me and was liek "What did you say bout my kids."
Im like "Um.. i dint.. say anything..." Then she left us and we went inside. Apparently johnson left his lights on so he went back out there and when he went out the family was still waiting for him. The dad was like "what did u say bout my kids!!??" Johnson was like "i didnt say anything bout your kids" Johnson told us that he thought the man was gonna bust out a shot gun on him, but they later left. Johnson then came inside and told us bout the guy. I think fahlbush might have gottne a kick out of that one.
Anyways we had to do something to remember this by, so we went to meijer and bout 4 white tshirts. We put a different phrase on each:
1) Ive been chased by Gano children (mine)
2) Ive been in Gano past 8:00 (fahlbush)
3) Ive lived through the Gano furniture fire (linville)
4) Ive been threatned to have my ass beat by a Gano kids dad (johnson)
Well anyways thats how it ends, and i linville actually wore his during school one day. It was some funny fucking shit. Ask for the pic and ill dig it up for ya.
|
|
(23 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, May 28th, 2001
| |
10:31 pm - Vote Johnson
|
One time me big johnson and aaron were waiting round school after a tennis match and there was nobody around so we headed to the cafeteria. It was the week where we elect officers for student government so theres all these posters round the cafeteria telling you to vote for these god damn people.
Anyways big johnsons like loving these posters up, so he checks out this one that said "VOTE EXPERIENCE-VOTE FOR JENI T." Then hes bust out this marker and starts writing something on the poster. Im thinkn "O god what the hell is this kid writing" A couple minutes later he finishes and i go over to the poster and read it.
"VOTE FOR EXPERIENCE -IN BED- VOTE JENI T." Im like "o shit man this is classic"
Of course that was followed by "Huh huh huh huh huh huh."
So the next morning we go into the cafeteria to see if the poster was still there - but it wasnt. I talked round to some people and i heard that she was really pissed, and wanted to beat some major ass, but she had no clue who did it.
Now that i think bout it i dont really know why i wrote this one cause thats the way it ends. Just big johnson writing experience "in bed" was pretty funny. She later found out a year later, but didnt really stay mad at johnson for long. This kid should run for office.
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| |
2:25 am - Johnson and Alcohol
|
At the begining of the year, we thoguth itd be a good idea to get big johnson drunk, even though this kids already does some fucked up shit without being under the influence. So were sitting in my basement and johnsons pounding back the brewskies, and i pretty much lost count. Linville was drinking too and the bastards were gettn fucking loud and i didnt want big marsh and big gar to come down and see these poor kids plastard in my basement so i made them keep it down.
Johnson wasnt too bad at first, but linville got like a two beer buzz nad was going wild. (Let me mention that this is not the same linville from the cock rock story, but his little brother whos a hell of a lot cooler) So big johnson keeps a steady pace and prolly ends up pounding back roun 5 beers. It didnt hit him right off the bat, but after a while you could tell cause that kid would say the dumbest fucking shit.
I gave him a blanket with in hopes that he'd go to sleep, but he lifted it up and said, "Im reading the blanket... BLUE BUS!.. huh huh huh huh." Im like man this kid is gone. Then we cut off the lights, but apparently this kid was stiill going. "Hey guys i gotta go pee." This kid gets up and goes into the bathroom doesnt even bother to cut on the light and is like "hey if i sit down its a lot easier to pee.. huh huh huh.. this way i wont miss ..huh huh huh huh." Meanwhile fahlbush and aaron are fucking dieing.
That kid must have pissed(sitting down) like a total of 10 times that night. So after things started to calm down, were all bout to go to sleep when johnsons like "GO REDS!!!!!" Im like half asleep so i dont know what the hell is going on, but fahlbush and aaron were loving that shit up. Finally johnsons goes to sleep. The next morning we wake up and we start talking bout last night. Then johnson says, "yeah i woke up inthe middle of the night and i was in your bathroom, It took me like 15 minutes to find my way out. Its like a maze in there." Then im like "Johnson my bathroom has less than a 5 by 5 area." "huh huh huh huh I know.. huh huh huh huh." Johnson on alcohol is classic, wish it was one of those things i could share with everyone, but i guess you just had to be there.
|
|
(6 comments | comment on this)
|
| |
2:04 am - Balcony Whore
|
One time me and big johnson were in Deleware. Were walking down this boardwalk when all of a suddenly this girl shouts over to us from her balcony to come over to her. Now i dont have 20 20 vision so i cant really see what the hell is going on, so me and big johnson go over to this poor girl and start talking to her.
I mean she aint no perfect 10 or anything, but shes something you gotta respect. Then all of a sudden her friend pops out of no where and this girl was fucking bad ass, except for her face, which doesnt really mean much cause you could still bag it. Well anyways we just flat out stop paying attention to this other girl, and concentrate on this new hot broad.
"So honey..where you from?" She responds with "Jessica." im thinkn "ok maybe she didnt hear us right or something." So i try to keep the convo flowing with "How long are you guys gonna be staying up here?" She responds with "Jessica" Now im thinkn "What the hell is wrong with this girl?" I can already hear big johnson next to me "Huh huh huh" So finally i thought id give her one more try "How old are you honey?" "Jessica."
By this point johnsons fucking dying "huh huh huh huh huh huh" This poor girl has absolutely no fucking clue as to whats going on, and somehow big johnson manages to get out "we gotta go eat dinner" So we just left JESSICA, id like to fuck with a bag over her head, and her friend, who wasnt a perfect 10, on that god damn balcony. Wow that story was a hell of a lot better when it actually happened. Guess you had to be there. I wrote this story out of a request from big johnson himself so there you go buddy.
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, May 27th, 2001
| |
9:51 am - Johnson in Spanish
|
This one isnt that long, but i was fucking shitting my pants. Im sitting in Spanish class, when all of a sudden big johnson comes over and sits by me. We're suppose to be reading or something, so the class is dead silent and absolutely no one is talking.
All of a sudden big johnson just starts talking in his normal voice, I mean this was complete disregard for the whisper. "Huh huh .. hey Patrick (this kid always calls me by my first name) i went to sleep on my couch this morning and i had the biggest wet dream. Huh huh i bust the biggest nut... i woke up right before i was gonna bust and i tried to stop it but i couldnt... i had to go change my boxers... huh huh huh."
Im laughing so fucking hard i must have pissed my self. I bet half the god damn kids in that class heard johnson talkn bout his wet dream and how he bust in his pants. o man johnson thats great shit. But i guess this shit just comes natural for you. Keep it up kid.
|
|
(6 comments | comment on this)
|
| |
9:42 am - Big Johnson Stirring #3
|
Another story bout this kid brewing during the night. Anyways this one wasnt too long ago so brace yourself. Me aaron and big johnson were crashing at my place, and big johnson usually has to wake up at like 6 in the morning for work.
Me and aaron are just sitting there and of course big johnson has been gone for like 2 damn hours. All of a sudden Johnson sits up really fast looks around and is like "What fucking time is it!" I know this poor kid is having a stirring so im fucking laughing my ass off. Aaron actually tries to have a conversation with the poor kid in hopes that he'd go back to sleep, so aaron's like "Did you unplug your alarm clock?" Then johnson shouts out "No!" Then aarons like "Well then look at it" Johnson looked at it then went back to sleep. Next morning he didnt wake up to the alarm clock and was late for work. He tried to tell us during his stirring that he was awake, but when we asked him bout it later, he said he didnt remember any of it.
Prolly a lot funnier when i was there. Thanks for the laugh johnson.
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, May 26th, 2001
| |
11:13 am - Big Johnson Keeps 'Em Comming
|
|
A couple nights back me, aaron, johnson, fahlbush and a bitch load of other people were at this award ceremony for seniors at my damn school. So were sitting there and its fucking boring as hell so i guess johnson felt needed to add a little flavor to the ceremony. So when this one kid, named Johngina(Taken from duece bigalow's mangina) wins like the best award of the night we all start clapping. Then out of now where johnson starts giving this kid the standing ovation. Im thinkn "What the hell is this kid doing" He starts clapping like crazy and then all of a sudden he shouts out as loud as he can "BIG CUNT!!!!" Everybody in like the 10 rows in front of us turns around and is just looking at Johnson. The poor kid is the only person in the whole god damn place standing up and everybody is looking at the kid. Johson finally realizes and sits down. Were all fucking dying cause comming from big johnson, well comming from almost anybody that would be pretty god damn funny, but big johnson-- i dont know. Guess you had to be there it was some funny shit.
|
|
(7 comments | comment on this)
|
| |
10:38 am - Big Johnson Stirring #2
|
Aight so everybody knows bout big johnson's activity during the night. This next one i was unable to catch on tape but its funny shit. so me aaron, fahlbush, and johnson are in my basement and for some strange reason johnson always hits the sac like 2 hours before everyone else. It's been a while and nothings happened so we think big johnson isnt gonna give us a stirring tonight.
Its pitch fucking black in my basement, so you cant really seee anything. Aarons talking bout something when all of a sudden he says, "Allright who the hell is grabbing my arm?" Me and fahlbush were like "What the hell are you talking bout?" So aaron flicks on his indigo from his watch. All of a sudden we see is big johnson curled up in a little ball shouting "TELL HER TO GET OFF OF ME! TELL HER TO GET OFF OF ME!" We start laughing so fucking hard then im like "Are you awake johnson?"
The poor kid insisted he was awake, but he asked "Whos over by the table?" Im like "Johnson, theres no one over by the table man" Then the poor kid's like "WHOS OVER BY THE FUCKING TABLE? THERES SOMEBODY OVER BY THE FUCKING TABLE!!" By this point were all laughing so hard and johnsons gettn pissed cause he thinks thers someone over by the table.
After that we set up a barrier between us and johnson cause at the time that was some freaky god damn shit-big johnson grabbing arron in the middle of the night and not even knowing it. So every time we heard the poor kid move from then on out, we tried to record him and that might have been one of the times he was like "Im fucking awake! Stop fucking recording me!" Im just happy i made it through the night with that crazy bastard. Thanks for the laugh big johnson. Keep the stirrings comming!
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, May 24th, 2001
| |
2:10 pm - Big Johnson Stirring #1
|
One time me aaron and johnson were sitting in aaron's basement bout ready to hit the sac, when i remembered all the fuck up shit johnson does in his sleep and how he'll start talking and shit. So this time i brought a recorder to see if i could capture this shit on tape.
Me and aaron are wthing he 2 oclock stern and were bout to fall asleep, meanwhile big johnsons been gone for bout an hour. Aaron flicks off the TV and we decide that johnsons not gonna give us a stirring tonight, so we try and go to sleep, but i keep the recorder in my hand just in case.
Im bout to dooze off when i hear arron moving around and then he syas someting bout James Bond. Im like half asleep when he said it so im like what the hell is this kid talking bout. Well aaron's mini-stirring pretty much woke me up, and like a minute after i hear big johnson start moving around. Im thinkn "This shit could be huge!" So i hit record on the recorder, and pray for the best. Now if i didnt have this actually recordered on tape nobody would believe that it actually happened, but i sware to god it did.
So i got the recorder over johnson, and all of a sudden this kid props his legs up over his head and lets out 3 huge ass farts. Then he lets out this monsterous orgasm grunt "AAAHHHHHHHHH" (let me remind you that this is still all in his sleep) Then to top it off he starts laughing that fucked up laugh hes got "huh huh huh huh" Im praying to god i got this shit on tape cause this is golden.
So the next morning we wake up and aarons like "johnson you had a few small stirrings but nothing substantial." Then im like "wait i think i might have got something." So i bust out the recorder and start rewinding that shit. we listen to it for bout 10 minutes and im bout ready to give up hope, when all of a sudden u hear 3 loud ass farts, followed by a grunt, and the big johnson "huh huh huh huh" The first time i actually heard that on tape was prolly the funniest ever. I finally captured a big johnson stirring on tape.
Now everytime johnson goes to somebody's house we bring the recorder and try to get him saying something. Half the time the poor kid isnt even asleep and he gets fucking pissed. "Stop fucking recording me!!" He can always tell you are cause theres this little red dot on the recorder, and he'll be like "im fucking awake!" O man thats some good shit johnson. Keep the stirrings comming and thanks for the laugh. If anyone ever wants tohear the tape i still got it so give me a holler.
|
|
(9 comments | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, May 23rd, 2001
| |
9:02 pm - Shooting the Breeze with McCurry
|
Today me, park, and aaron are sitting in phillips class and all of a sudden park starts asking these equations of who would we rather fuck or get pounded up the ass by. Anyways park was loving that shit up when all of a sudden McCurry looks over at us and is like "what r u guys laughing at?" Im like "not you so dont worry bout it." that convo went on for a couple secs then ended.
Then park started talking to some other girl and then when that ended i was like "Park man no one gives a shit what she says." Then park was like "I got game, you have to act like you care even when you dont." I thought bout this new approach, and realized that it might be a better solution than the usual "I dont care-hard to get" strategy ive been using before.
So im like "Ok park. You want me to try it out?" Parks like "Yeah man, do it on McCurry" I see nothing wrong with the situation so im like "Aight" Then i turn over to McCurry and after bout the fifth god damn time i shouted her name she finally turned her ass round. So shes looking at me like "what the hell does this kid want" and meanwhile aaron and park are laughing there ass off, so im like "umm.. hows the family?" Arron and park fucking shit their pants laughing. Meanwhile McCurry doesnt answer cause there laughng so hard and im tryng to hold back from busting out. She eventually reluctantly told me.
A couple minutes later sandlay walks by and im still in the caring mood so im like "Hey congrats on that president thing." And she just looks at me like "Who the hell is this kid." So pretty much so far ive struck out with this new philosophy, so we give Moore a call down to show him my new found game.
I call on McCurry again and shes like "What do you want." i'm like "jesus cant i just have a normal conversation with you or is that too much to ask for?" meanwhile Moore cant fucking controll his laughter so im like "hey McCurry, .. you got any pets" These poor kids round me are laughing so hard and she wont answer me cause they wont stop, so Morre calls Busse over. Before Moore was talking bout how good her stomach is or something and how hes calling her over to ask her if he can have sex with her sister, who apparently is really bad ass.
So after shooting the breeze with Both of the women for a while i began thinkn "wow these two girls would look even better together" so i pop the question on Busse "How much would it take you to do lesbianism with your sister? Would you do it for a million?" She responded with "yeah" Which was really surprising cause no one could pay me enough to get pounded up the ass by my brother. Then Morre was like "How much would it take you to do it with McCurry?" McCurry responded with "Prolly round 750,000" Then Park chimes in with "Would you do it for a hundred grand" Park really meant the candybar and e and him were the ily ones who actually got a kick out of that. Then Busse was like "Well when we do ill send you a tape." Then aaron was like "Im thinkin you might want to make four" and pointed to all us round the table.
Thats really bout it, and trust me it was a hell of a lot funnier when i was actually there. Shout out to PARK MOORE and HILL. Maybe this new method might actually work someday, i think im gonna go badk the the conentional "I dont care" method.
Moore big gar says hey!
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, May 22nd, 2001
| |
5:18 pm - Bobby Licks the Pussy
|
This year in anatomy were disecting these cats. Some are domesticated and some are fucking sick as hell with like worms and shit. Anyways me and aaron go this like pretty nice house cat, while bobby j and arun got this like dirty ass cat that leaks this yellow fucked up fluid. Were sitting there one day when im like "Hey Bobby how bout u lick a piece of my cat?"
Bobby was a little reluctant and was like "I dont know man thats kinda sick. Maybe if you guys each pay me five bucks." So we agreed to pay the poor kid money if he licked the cat. We cut off a piece of my cat, cause that was the only cat that he would actually agree to lick, but we forgot bout the bet by the end of the period and accidentally threw the piece of cat in the trash.
So bobby was like "Man that sucks cause i was actuall gonna do it too." I was throwing the rest of my shit away when i saw a piece of cat flesh lying on the floor next to the garbage. Im thinkn "o this shit would be gret if bobby licked it. I could tell him it wass our cat ane he'd never know." So i went up to bobby and told him that i found the piece of cat flesh and gave it to him.
We all proceeded to the bathroom where i was like "comon bobby do it" Then aaron was like "Just for clerification, you have to hold the piece of cat flesh on your tongue for 5 seconds." Bobby looks at us and he's like "That ain't no way im doing this" and he runs and throws the piece of cat in the toilet.
Me and aaron continued to call bobbya big vag face untill he was like "If i go get it can i get a wash off in the sink?" We agreed to the wash off and watched bobby go over to the toilet.
He reached in the already pissed in toilet, grabbed the cat flesh and went over to the sink to wash it off. After the wash off he looked at us and was like "Five seconds and you guys will each pay me 5 bucks" We agreed. So all of a sudden bobby opens his mouth and puts the piece of cat flesh on his tongue> "1.... 2....3.....4....5!" I think i must have shit my pants i was laughing so hard. Me, aaron, and arun had to each pay the kid five god damn bucks, but i think it was worth it. That was some fucking funny shit. We later told everybody that respected bobby what he did, cause he never said we couldnt tell anybody. (That sucks for him cause there are some hot ass women in our anatomy class.) I dont know bobby licking the pussy was a lot funnier to actually witness, but it was some good shit.
|
|
(7 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, May 21st, 2001
| |
3:12 pm - Big Johnson's Ticket Exchange
|
One time i wass in deleware with big johnson. We started walking round the beach untill we came to this arcade type place and we went inside. I mean im a big fan if skiball and all but johnson's a god damn fanatic. Thats like all this kid wanted to do. Something bout if he broke 400 points he get a stuffed animal. So anyways we meet a couple women (One's hot and ones just gotta take one for the team) and were walking round with them and convo is gettn really rough. So finally one of them is like "What do you guys want to do?" I look over at big johnson, praying for something good to come out of this kids mouth, and all he does is look at me and lip the words "skiball"
So some how we end up back in that arcade, and im stting on a bench with them watching johnson play skiball. I prolly would have played to, but my lanky ass just would have made a fool of myself. So after a couple minutes of that, johnson's got a fairly large sum of tickets, not to mention the ones he won earlier, so we head over to the prize counter,and were all just standing there.
I guess johnson didnt find anything that was too pleasing to him, so he grabs the hot girls hand and says "here you go" and he gos for the all out windmill hi -five with the tickets in his hand hopin that she would take them. Then at the very last second, the girl pulls her hand away, and big johnson misses and the tickets go all over the god damn floor.
So were all just standing there looking at these tickets that jonson just dropped on the floor and im thinking "This kid did not just do that" I think the women left after that, i cant remember cause i was laughing so fucking hard. The one thing i do remember is johnson buying a bouncy ball and then he made me go in the elevator while he through it around. Man, big johnson you do some fucked uo shit. O well thats for the laugh.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, May 20th, 2001
| |
3:30 pm - Eno
|
One time on my first year of JV tennis we met this kid naed justin Eno. Eno was one crazy fucker and he would do just bout anything we told him to. So one match after we played moller, Hutz (tennis coach) went to find a phone to call the bus to pick us up. That was a mistake leaving Eno unsupervised.
Anyways, the moller courts were on a hill like 30 feet up off the highway and somehow Eno got the impression that it would be a good idea to try and hit a car. So after a couple of tries withced missed pretty badly Eno was bout to give up, but we talked him into one more.
Eno wanted the perfect target, so after a couple minutes this big ass truck comes tearing along the highway. Eno lines the shit up and fires. I dont know how the kid did it, cause he had to time it like 5 seconds before the car actually got to that spot, but he did. This truck is tearing along when all of a sudden the tennis ball pegs it on the passenger side and bounces around between the window and the mirror. We were all laughing so hard,Eno was the only one who actualy saw the truck slow down nd he was like "O Shit guys it slowing down!!!" So we start to make a run for it, but right as i turn around i run face first into this pole and get knocked down flat on my ass. The truck driver never got out, but i had this huge as scar for like 3 weeks. Eno man thats some fucked up shit.
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, May 19th, 2001
| |
5:57 pm - What the Hell was John Thinkin
|
Me and aaron had this chemistry teacher named john corum. He was pretty cool sometimes, but sometimes he could get this nasty temper and pull these outrages from the depths of below. Anyways, we had corum last year so we kind of know him bu hes realy hard to shoot the breezee with.
One day this year in carass's class, big carrass wasnt there, so john corum was our sub and he took us down to is room. Me and aaron got a lab table and were talking bout golf and i thought i might ask a question to john bout the physics of a swing and shit, but unforetuneately john told us that he didnt play much golf. So he goes off on how he plays softball and shit, and we had to shoot the breeze with him for like five minutes.
A little while later, he left and me and aaron continued our chat bout golf. I got up and took a ew practice swings (lanky ones) and we tlaked bout a specific course. Then like ten minutes later john corum comes over, leans against the lab table, and is like "Yeah .... i hit the ball... left field." I'm like what the hell is this guy talking bout. Im trying so hard not to laugh. Theres a couple of dead silenece seconds untill aaron finally breaks the ice with "Wow thats awesome. You would think that with those guns you could go yard every time." Big corum loved that shit and he finally left, but what the hell was that man thinking. "Yeah .... i hit the ball... left field." The softball conversation was long over, not to mention tht we didnt really care where the hell he hit the ball. Guess you had to be there
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, May 18th, 2001
| |
11:06 pm - Where Does This Kid Get This Shit
|
|
One time me, arron, and johnson went to kings island and things were going pretty good, but when ever you go to kings island you know nasty women will always hit on you. So eventually this sick little anorexic bitch and her fat friend started following us. They eventually pinned us at face off so we stopped and acted like nothing was going on. Then right before they come over to us big johnson turns to us and is like "My names Doug and im from Kansas" That was prolly the funniest thing big johnson ever said and just comming form big johnson it was fucking hilarious. anyways they started talking to us but we left before they could finish a sentence. BIG JOHNSON WHERE DO U GET THIS SHIT!
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, May 17th, 2001
| |
3:33 pm - Kalki's Porn
|
One time me, johnson, fahlbush, kalki, hill, and jake monk were in california. At this point in the trip, we were in hollywood so theres like these illegal porn selling shops around every god damn corner. So one time we decide to bust out of the hotel with no chaperones and just see whats going down along the hollywood streets. We get going when shortly after we come to a antique/porno shop. f course all of us go in.
Now for some strange reason, kalki had his heart set on buying a porn, so he started seriously looking around. After a while that fucking store started creeping out a couple of us so a few of us left while kalki stayed in there with jake. So while kalki's looking around, we hit some other shops and then come back.
Someone goes in to check on them, and all of a sudden jake monk comes ou and is like "Walden, were gonna need your expert opinion in here." (Ive seen my fair share of porn with the BG collection) So i go inside.
This fucking gay as hell man has got like 5 different porns sitting out of the counter and big kalkis like staring at them. Finally kalkis like "What do you recommend walden?" For a moment i almost felt important, then i realized that i was making a decision bout porno. So i take a look at the limited selection and finally say "I dont know man, but those asians really go at it."
Then the guy a the counter is like "yeah they really do" So kalkis like "Ok ill buy it" Then kalki got raped up the ass and paid 30 fucking bucks for his cheap asian porn called "ORIENTAL CREAM EATERS". So right as walk outside, mr. parrot is walking by. Were like "o shit" a chaperone sees us walking outside this porno store and kalkis got a bag with a porno in it, but all big parrot says is "Hey fellows"
Anyways we didnt really want to risk watching oriental cream eaters a the hotel, so next week kalki took it home and tried to watch it at his house. He comes in the following day and is like "yeah that porno doesnt work" Were like "what do u mean it doesnt work" Hes like "It doesnt have anything on it."
So really all this storys about is kalki buying a bootleg porn for 30 bucks. Man that kid got raped. Thanks for the laugh kalki!
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, May 16th, 2001
| |
12:52 am - cock rock
|
This is one fucking funny story so brace yourself bitch. Me and a couple of friends were in california (aaron, fahlbush, kalki, and johnson) and we went to this island called catalina. There was really nothing to do there, so we went around on the beach and tried to find a rock that looked like a cock. After sucessfully finding a rock that looked like a really tiny cock we had to leave the island and go back on the boat.
So we get back on the boat, and were bored as hell so we tell kalki tht this kid named dave was talking shit bout him. (Im just not a real big dave fan for the record) Anyways, kalki's a cool guy, but he'll believe anything u say, so he was like, "What did he say?" Then aaron was like, "Dude hes talking mad shit." Big Kalki responded with "That Bastard!" So then we told kalki that he had to get back at dave, adn think of somethinf really good.
At the time, dave was sitting on the other side of the boat, trying to mac on a girl that was way out of his league. Before we had harassed dave many times, because the word got out that he has a really tiny dick, from some girl that he dated. So heres waht the situation looks like - 1) Kalki needs to get back at dave (for actually doing nothing at all) 2) Someone needs to set dave straight with his chances with women 3) We have a tiny rock that looks like a mini-dick.
Finally someone was like. "Kalki go over and start making fun of dave's dick with the cock rock." After much persuasion, kalki finally agreed, but not before a bet was placed on the table. (somewhere round 8 bucks) So big kalki starts to leave, but then hes like "I have to have someone go with me." So finally it was agreed that i would join kalki but if i cam he had to get a picture of the look on dave's face after he said it.
So kalki and i get up from the table and make our way over to dave. When we get to his table we stand there for bout 10 secs so that everybody, including hot women, are looking up at us wondering what the hell is goin on. Finally kalki's like "Dave just for clerification, is this actually the size of your dick?" and he holds up the cock rock and takes a picture. I dont think ive ever laughed so hard in my life. Iwas laughing so hard i didnt even see the look on dave's face and i ran back to the table. A couple secs later kalki returns. The whole fucking table was dieing.
Then finally someone was like, "Hey kalki, u know dave never said anything bad bout u." Then kalki replied, "You've got to be shitting me." Kalki felt so bad that he went over to dave an apologized to him and had to shoot the breeze with him for the rest of the boat ride
A couple weeks after we got home, Kalki and i went to get the pics developed. We got to the one with dave and it looks like someone shot his fucking dog. Plus Kalki held the cock rock so close to the camera that theres a shadow of it on dave's face. I dont think ive ever laughed so hard in my life. A thanks thrown out to kalki for being so gullible
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
pking's journal